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Back To As Normal As I'm Likely To Get

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Apr. 5th, 2010 | 02:09 am

I'm no longer manic, or Enlightened, or Spiritually Awake, or Completely Bonkers, or whatever combination thereof I was while writing my previous few posts.  I'm still sorting out what was happening and what it means for me going forward.  For now, amongst other things, I have the phrase "sesquipolar disorder" stuck in my head.  And I'm still entertained thinking of Cleo as having an Infinite Improbability Generator inside of her.

In fact, I spent a pretty pleasant week playing with my Spring Breaking kids, including the three of us enjoying season 1 of Parker Lewis Can't Lose on DVD (I like the show Scrubs, and I'm glad they are at least keeping the Parker Lewis attitude toward realism alive, but Parker Lewis has Scrubs beat cold).  I also put in several long days at my store, so instead of it looking like a tornado hit a thrift store's furniture section, it looks like a riot of colors in the shape of a perfectly good store, albeit a store devoid of inventory.  Inventory this week, then promotion can really get going.  I even had my first two sales while I was busy decorating.  My initial eBay sales are going well; this week I plan to begin selling sport coats on eBay as well as continuing banknote sales. 

I've had zero cravings for alcohol or pot, and feel cured in a way that is new to me.  Attempting caution, I'm still looking into treatment options, including Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.

I did, however, buy three cans of beer this weekend.  Fifty cents each at an estate sale.  Not to drink, but just because I wanted to be the only store in town selling Billy Beer.  Yeee-haw!

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Comments {4}


please tell me one thing

from: elbowd
date: Apr. 10th, 2010 04:27 pm (UTC)

tell me you're not going to drink billy beer.

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Ezekiel Lucian Lyon

Re: please tell me one thing

from: joyinthedark
date: Apr. 10th, 2010 07:30 pm (UTC)

I don't think so, but I can't promise. I can promise to not drink more than half a can.

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Cognitive Behavior Therapy

from: adolphine
date: May. 21st, 2010 11:52 pm (UTC)

Go do it! It's the only therapy that has ever done a damn thing for me except reducing me to tears. And it seems to be more supportive of medication regimens than other things--it's very task-oriented--what do you want to achieve and how do you get there.

Do you talk to J at all these days? I think it might help you immensely, if you aren't. J's helped me get my shit straight (or at least on the road to there) several times when I was dangerously close to giving up on it all. And he's traveled the road you're on, as much as two people can ever travel the same road.

I know I'm halfway across the country and we've never been close friends, but I've always loved the beautiful weird person you are (not that way! not my type!). I don't want to fix you, but if there is ever any way I can help practically when thing get extra rough or start to fall apart--well, I'm here, for what it's worth. And the only thing I judge people for is running away from people who need them who they're responsible for (i.e. their kids), if they're able at all to not run away. Well, okay, I'm not perfect, but that's my resolution, at least.

One word on despair--it's hard for it to last if you ask God (the internet, Jesus, the random tree at the end of the block) to help, and then tell him/her/it how grateful you are. Being able to be grateful for the blessings you have, in all their painful glory, is the most important thing that's really gotten me to here.

Okay, off my arrogant pulpit. Hugs.

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Ezekiel Lucian Lyon

Re: Cognitive Behavior Therapy

from: joyinthedark
date: May. 22nd, 2010 01:18 am (UTC)

Well, CBT is the therapy that a plurality of friends think is the right one for me, so I probably should give it a shot. At the moment I'm back in "Don't want any damn therapy, I like my mind just fine." mode. To some extent that is a child-like way of me saying to all and sundry, "Do I have to get better for you to love me? Why can't you all just love me the way I am?"

I feel stretched to the limit by my responsibilities as a parent. I'm fine with that; I knew from the get-go that it would be this way; and all the available evidence suggests that I'm doing a good job with the kids. So what I want from friends these days is for them to just accept that sometimes I'l be sad, or crazy, or messed up. Other times I'll be happy and sane and productive.

I know that it's human nature to feel sad when a loved one is sad, and to want to help. So I know I'm asking for something a bit difficult when I ask for simple acceptance. But it's psychologically very important to me. I've spent most of my life changing for and acting for other people. I'm learning how to accept myself as is. and I think it's appropriate to my current state for me to dig in my heels on this and demand that my friends accept me as is also.

I do need to talk to J more. The moment I found out he was back in Chapel Hill I vowed to get out there for March Madness 2011--that will be good therapy for the both of us.

I'm a bit sad that I'm not your type (geez, did you really need the exclamation point?), but not too sad. I have also long loved the beautiful weird crazy person YOU are, as well as thinking that you are quite attractive. But I know what you mean. I never had the feeling that we were the right fit for each other. And I'm really just DONE with stupid romantic love anyway. The most meaningful and fitting times of my life have either been those where I was promiscuous with friendships but had no romantic entanglements, or times when I was just wandering alone and free. So while I won't kick too much if I get run over by the love truck, I'm also not planning to cross many streets in hopes that it will happen.

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